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Joke of the Day

"[last day at job] ""You've made my life a misery, I hate you all"" [remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift] ""Not you tho Phil"""

"""I didn't choose the thug life."" I explain, entering an institution of higher learning."

"I realized today that the Vans logo looks like a square root symbol. It's probably because they're so radical."

"On your way to hell, there will be a 6-year-old pushing a shopping cart one foot behind you."

"A friend asked me, ""Did you know Isaac Newton died a virgin""? I replied, ""What colour?"""

"Breathing heavily, she asked me what I can give her. Me: ""I'll give you a hint, it starts with a D"" Her: ""Oh yess, I can't wait!"" Me: ""That's right, get ready for some disappointment!"""

"When I finally had sex in a hall of mirrors I was fucking beside myself."

"Yo momma is so fat, shes got more ""coverage"" than my cell phone provider"

"Where do you take a sick wasp? To waspital."

"How to spell ""me"" A man walks up to a woman and asks her to spell the word ""ME"" for him. She says, ""M-E"". The man says, ""But you forgot the D!"" ""But there's no ""D"" in ""ME""!"" He says, ""Not yet.."""