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Joke of the Day

"""I didn't choose the thug life."" I explain, entering an institution of higher learning."

"Just once I'd like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter."

"Her: OMG you're alive!!! I heard you bought the farm! ME: No no, I bought ""a"" farm. HER: but I told everyone you're dead! ME: That's fine"

"You're one in a million China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you."

"You know you're fat when when... Your penis is an *innie*."

"Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants."

"The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it."

"I said ""Candyman"" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there."

"What's the difference between your job and your wife? Your job fucking sucks"

"The only way that Mexico will build and pay for the wall... ..is after Trump runs the economy into the ground and Mexico has to keep the illegal job-seeking Americans out."