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Joke of the Day

"Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this."

"What's the difference between family bonding and family bondage? One is forced and borderline torture, the other is sex."

"Ive tried everything to get my dog to behave. Ive tried shoving it into a wool tube, stabbing it in the neck and head, etc. nothing works."

"Furniture stores keep the guy who voices their commercials in a windowless room full of cocaine."

"Wouldn't it be great if twitter had a roped off VIP section where celebrities could keep their boring tweets to themselves?"

"Have you heard of that movie, ""Constipation""? It's not out yet."

"Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea"

"It's now apparently politically incorrect to say ""Black paint"" Now you have to say ""Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?""."

"What do you call all of Trump's failed businesses arranged in a circle? Orange"

"Sex is a great way to get rid of stress, so go f*ck yourself and calm down"