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Joke of the Day

"When someone asks me, ""Is this seat saved?"" I like to say ""No, but we're still praying for it"" and I laugh because chairs are like, dead."

"Why Is Santa So Jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live >:)"

"Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? ""Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."""

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out man."

"What's the oldest age that a boy can have a circumcision? I just want to know the cutoff date."

"What do fat people call the runs? The walks"

"If I ever go missing.. you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster."

"Did you hear about the nutty professor? He pursued a career in *m*acadamia!"

"It's so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn't just a free aerial tour of the city."

"Redneck sext message: You cant handle the tooth!"