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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the nutty professor? He pursued a career in *m*acadamia!"

"Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. *Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.*"

"Two aardvarks watched in amazement as a firework flashed across the sky. 1st aardvark: Wow! I wish I could fly like that. 2nd aardvark: You would if your tail was on fire."

"I was going to grease my mechanic's hand with a $20 bill for the phenomenal job he did but ... he already overcharged me by $200."

"A good way to help you determine who to weed out of your life is probably by how someone pronounces ""coyote""."

"Whenever someone says they don't like the Beatles, I'm like ""Whatever, Gary."" (their name isn't necessarily Gary; that's just an example)"

"A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover"

"Happy St. Paddy's Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I'm not allowed to go out on St. Paddy's Day anymore. It's too much."

"What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist"

"I will carry 17 grocery bags or die trying before making two trips."