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Joke of the Day

"Why are tourists to Scotland wrongly arrested as pedophiles? They say they came for the 12-year-old Scotch."

"You can use your cat as a towel. There's no specific laws against it."

"idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school"

"I spent two hours child-proofing my home. They still got in."

"I smiled today. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!"

"What Do You Call a Romantic Basketball Player? Love Shaq"

"""BRING ME THE FOETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS"" *Maniacal stare* ""Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"" ""AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"""

"I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements It's putting me to sleep"

"every time i see a fat, bald, goateed dude in public i get excited for a split second thinking it's Louis CK"

"By all means, get married. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."