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Joke of the Day

"My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that's 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday"

"I have two children, one's five months and the other is twenty one months... ...we didn't want too big a gap, so my wife had them both by caesarean. -Ed Byrne"

"Friend showed me all the pics taken from the drone he got for Christmas, so I won't be renting the cottage on their farm after all."

"My friend came up to me He said, ""Can you ever remember a time where you removed a wig?"" I said, ""Not off the top of my head."""

"*walks into Best Buy* *points to CDs* ""May I have 4 sound bagels please"""

"They say real women have curves. Well, then, the lady in front of me at Starbucks is a real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real woman."

"Why do Hutus hate Dustin Hoffman? He impersonated a Tootsie."

"Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it's not up to me to find these kids?"

"Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking? Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!"

"What birds are found in Portugal ? Portu-geese !"