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Joke of the Day

"Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it's not up to me to find these kids?"

"I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!"

"You know you're old when the band you love plays an encore and it just stresses you out because you have work tomorrow and need to get home."

"""This is the bomb!!!"" --'90s terrorist"

"How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend's dad for the first time?"

"What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train ? A laplander !"

"""Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!"" -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no."

"What is the difference between a dollar and Lebron James? Lebron James doesnt give you 4 quarters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oShTJ90fC34"

"It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand."

"Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now."