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Joke of the Day

"Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose. Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*"

"Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system."

"Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised."

"Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dogs"

"If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry."

"My girlfriend told me I should grow a beard. If I wanted hair on my face, I would go down on her."

"My dog won't stop playing the piano I guess you can say she... Won't stop Bach-ing"

"Happy Womens Day They say a womans work is never done... Perhaps that's why they're paid less?"

"Are news anchors secretly insulting you? Moron this story at 11."

"Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground."