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Joke of the Day

"Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised."

"Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like."

"""Well I should probably get off twitter. I have to be at work in 15 minutes and I haven't even showered yet."" - me and at least 100 of you"

"Dumb and Nobody in class... Dumb: Teacher!! Teacher!! Nobody is bothering me. Teacher: Kid, are you dumb? Dumb: Yes."

"Did youhear about the Newfie abortion clinic? It's so busy there's a twelve month waiting list."

"I m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back... He asks: do you want to see your family again? I said ""no"". We both had a good laugh."

"The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven't worked out all the bugs yet."

"What's it called when Batman leaves the church early? Christian Bale"

"So weird that before we invented cars, if you hated someone you keyed their horse."

"[1st Date] Her: I've had a hysterectomy Him: I've had a vasectomy Her: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Him: You gonna eat those fries?"