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Joke of the Day

"...a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck..., if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out."

"If you think Lord of the Flies couldn't happen, you've clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a pinata."

"Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan... I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything."

"Why is Santa Claus always so happy? He knows where all the bad girls live"

"Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today. Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal. Me: My truck."

"They're calling the Patriot thing ""Deflategate?"" I was hoping they'd go with ""Ball-o-caust."""

"The iWatch is awesome because it's the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars."

"The worst thing about being single is wondering if I'll ever have kids. Like, what if I just keep making money & having fun forever? Scary!"

"Being bald It means you went back to your roots."

"Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure."