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Joke of the Day

"The Fortune Teller, came true! I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?"

"What has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it'd kill you? A pool table"

"If I had a dollar for every time I stepped on the cat when I arrived home... I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat"

"Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I'M NOT EVEN IN THEM!"

"I wonder if Sallys parents were like ""Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."""

"What's black, blue, and red all over? The Grudge at a rave."

"Lying through your teeth doesn't count as flossing"

"What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination."

"First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, ""THIS IS A ROBBERY!"" Otherwise they might think it's a baptism."

"Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals"