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Joke of the Day

"What was Hitler's favorite way to tie his boots? In Nazi's!"

"There is only 2 things you need to know to succeed in life 1. Never help anyone succeed. 2."

"What is the funniest two legged lizard? The stand-up chameleon."

"When I was a kid we didn't add flavor to our medicine and it tasted like shit but we liked it because we liked being not dead."

"Probably the third-best reason to have kids is if you think it's funny when other people trip."

"How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. (Thanks to u/Gary_III for pointing out the mistake last time"

"True story I've met a research geologist whose work was groundbreaking."

"Old meaning of sorry. ""I won't do it again."" New meaning of sorry. ""Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."""

"Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I'm about to get REALLY chatty. C: You're free to go."

"My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now."