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Joke of the Day

"This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper..."

"I hope to die the same way my grandfather died Asleep. Not screaming like everyone else in the car."

"If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney."

"If you don't have a condom, put a stone in your shoe.. ...it'll make you limp."

"My life is just like Black Swan, except replace ballet with reruns of Teen Mom and Mila Kunis with a carton of ice cream."

"Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!"

"Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him."

"I don't eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I'm allergic to cats. *my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear* Cats are also cute."

"I tried to make my racing snail faster by taking off its shell But that just made it more sluggish"

"What do you call a pool full of details? The specific ocean."