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Joke of the Day

"Somewhere out there, a neurotic chicken wants to cross the road but is paralyzed by the knowledge that everyone will question his motives"

"*sees baby* *feels sad that my kids aren't babies anymore* *sees look of exhausted despair in baby's parents eyes* *sadness evaporates*"

"If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Mexican name?"

"Why can't penguins fly? They're too short to reach the controls of the plane."

"What type of sense of humor does a dust storm have? -A very dry sense of humor"

"My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies."

"Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance"

"I forgot my brother's birthday last month. What did he say? Rick: Nothing yet."

"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? Last night I didn't pay 20 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face."

"My poetic look on the election Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. Damn it, America! What the fuck did you do?!"