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Joke of the Day

"Oh, non-habit forming? No thanks."

"[hospital] ""I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again"" ""Oh God, he's paralysed?"" ""No, someone's bought him rollerblades"""

"Drinking Coors is like sex in a canoe It's fucking close to water"

"This is my stepladder... I never knew my real ladder."

"Why the Xelerator is better than the Airblade... Dyson only makes products that suck."

"So I've been trying to sell my Ubermensch Action Figures... But it's difficult to cater to such a Nietszche Market."

"Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don't say 'Alexa'? Alexa: No, I only listen when you say 'Alexa'. M: Thanks A: Welcome M: Hey!"

"It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?"

"What do you call a girl with a unibrow? Cuban"

"Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's funeral. I couldn't bereave it!"