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Joke of the Day

"[hospital] ""I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again"" ""Oh God, he's paralysed?"" ""No, someone's bought him rollerblades"""

"""You're never alone."": A phrase that's maybe cute to find in a love note, but horrifying to find smeared on a fogged up bathroom mirror."

"Why are female golfers better than male golfers? Because they swing both ways"

"How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Rectal thermometer tastes like shit"

"knock knock Who's there? Sherwood Sherwood who? Sherwood like you to come and ride my cock Taken from Who's Nailin' Palin"

"I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know"

"Why would Rip Van Winkle make a good janitor? Because he swept for 20 years."

"My girlfriend is the square root of -100 She's a solid 10 but also imaginary"

"Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible."

"Went to Big Lots with a $100 gift certificate and they just handed me the keys to the store."