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Joke of the Day

"Don't grocery shop hungry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't promise when ur happy. Don't do anything. Just kinda sit there til u die."

"I tried to grab some fog. I mist."

"Someone took my spine and replaced it with theirs. I want to get my own back."

"Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, ""Help, need ride!"""

"Talking about your ex makes it sound like you're not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person."

"Are candles happy or sad when they are put out? They are delighted."

"i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A's and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G"

"Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he's a great dentist so I let it go."

"Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression. Now I'm depressed *and* hung over."

"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh 10 tickles"