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Joke of the Day

"I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain."

"Life is like a dozen roses... it's full of pricks!"

"Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan."

"I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit."

"*presses wheelchair accessible button* *rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector* ""We're here for a haircut."""

"How do you project confidence? Multiply by the cosine of the angle."

"How many calories does avoiding eye contact burn?"

"""Hey man, the hot girl from class winked at me today!"" ""Really, bro?"" ""Yeah, with both eyes too!"""

"If life were a videogame, what would be the easiest difficulty setting? Straight White Male"

"A man's wife asks him: ""Have you ever considered having a threesome with me for a change?"" ""To be honest, having twosomes with you would be already be a change"""