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Joke of the Day

"*presses wheelchair accessible button* *rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector* ""We're here for a haircut."""

"I put my underwear on like anyone else. Backwards, two legs in one hole, falling down then decide it's easier to go without."

"I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn't."

"I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids."

"*chasing after the person that just robbed my house* TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY"

"Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure's off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt."

"You're so fat, they oughta call your dick ""Gary Oldman"" ...Cause it always disappears into a roll."

"A cop stops a drunk man and asks ""how high are you?"" The man replies. ""That is wrong English. You should say 'Hi how are you?'"""

"My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket."

"What do you get when you have sex with an Alligator? Gatoraids"