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Joke of the Day

"I'm gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I've been wanting to get in that field for years."

"We are happily married She's happy, and I am married!"

"""WHERE ARE ALL MY PITCHES AT!?!?!?!?"" -upset marketing executive"

"What has two legs and is bleeding all over the fucking rug? Half a dog"

"Selfie... Because it's important to realize that it's not the photographer who is making you look ugly."

"I like to stand next to someone else's screaming baby, call an ex boyfriend, and tell him, ""We need to talk!"""

"When folks unfollow me shortly after they've followed me I just figure they sobered up."

"I found a bug in Madden 2015 I sacked Tony Romo, and he didn't break his collarbone."

"AVENGERS ASSEMBLE THOR - ""here"" HULK - ""here"" IRON MAN - ""here"" CAPT. AMERICA - ""here"" USELESS ARROW GUY - ... I SAID- HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU"

"Critics say Botox is too expensive... ...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised."