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Joke of the Day

"My pot accidentally got mixed in with my pasta noodles. Ended up with baked ziti."

"I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come... Then there was awkward silence as he got dressed and left."

"When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say ""Are you ready to take this sh*t to a whole new level?"""

"Didn't know true sadness until I accidentally pressed a button on my iPhone camera and saw my face from 2 inches away."

"A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling."

"My Emmy party went off without a hitch despite my cat not answering me when I asked her who crocheted the dress she was wearing."

"I was in math class and my teacher asked ""What comes after 69?"" Apparently ""I do"" is not the correct answer."

"Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!"

"How do you call an unlocked phone ? Married and virgin."

"[god creating kangaroos] Let's make a horse rabbit."