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Joke of the Day

"Me: I haven't tweeted in days. Wife: Oh no! Hold on... *opens laptop *types Wife: Phew! Me: What? Wife: Looks like the Internet survived."

"What do you get if you steamroll a crab and a Korean at the same time? A crustacean :D :D"

"*shaves 'I Dogs' into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*"

"What's round and black and blue? A blueberry that occasionally gets hit by her husband"

"I started a business selling landmines that resemble prayer mats. Prophets are through the roof."

"Yes I get laid because I'm an illusionist. But I don't use ""magic"" or ""tricks"" on women. They respect my skills & choose to make love with m"

"Little Johnny calls for his mom ""MOM! MOM!"" ""What is it Johnny?"" ""Does Grandma know anything about car mechanics?"" ""No, why?"" ""She's outside, under a bus"""

"Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring!"

"Why are lesbians bad cooks? because they always eat out..."

"Doctor, can you have a look at my penis... Doctor: I don't see anything wrong with it? I know it's magnificent isn't it?"