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Joke of the Day

"Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn't make the cut."

"[comes out of coma after 12 years] ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to 'Away'! DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat"

"So many haunted ""mansions."" Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost."

"Kill the time Teacher - How did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or Internet? Smart student - i've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters..."

"Apparently, Bill Cosby likes his women the way he likes his Jello Pudding... ...passed out cold."

"Shopping with girlfriend, she says, ""let's go down this aisle."" Me - K. Why? Her - It's a surprise. Me - K. Why? Her - Just grab that. *points* Me - K. Why? Her - KY. Me - K... Her - Y."

"Why don't you ever eat a girl out in the morning? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese?"

"No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here."

"Usain Bolt's net worth is $60 million. How did he get so rich? By saving the gas money!"

"How did the Linux admin commit assault? He sudo bashed someone."