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Joke of the Day

"The hipster aesthetic is the best thing to ever happen to ugly people."

"Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS"

"What's the stupidest prank someone tried pulling on you? My sister just told me she was pregnant and I was the father. Does she really think I'm that dumb? I'm 100% sure she's on birth control."

"Do you know what the twins were doing in the wigwam? I can't tell you... it's *two-in-tents*."

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"What did the answering machine say to the telephone? Take my word for it."

"[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach] to myself: ""updog.. what's updog?"" [another bottle hits my foot]"

"I thought about making a cripple joke... ... but it would be lame."

"Changed my outgoing voicemail message to ""You have reached the government."""

"No, no, no. I said I was a 'peephole' person."