222347

Joke of the Day

"[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach] to myself: ""updog.. what's updog?"" [another bottle hits my foot]"

"My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox."

"What kind of dog is best at keeping secrets? hush puppies"

"a serial killer that strangles victims with fruit by foot and eats the murder weapon afterwards"

"Where did the one legged waitress work? IHOP"

"heard this one today what's Michel Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli!"

"What's the grossest number? 6.9 because it's a 69 with a period in the middle."

"Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket"

"OMFG! THAT'S what 'food baby' means?!?! You guys, I just made a horrible mistake. :("

"I would like to thank the kind stranger I met on the bus this morning for teaching me the meaning of the word 'abundance'. It means a lot."