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Joke of the Day

"LPT: To baby-proof your home: put your front doorknob like 4 feet off the ground so the babies can't reach it. Then those fuckers won't get in!"

"I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party."

"Everyone tells me I'm average... That's just mean."

"What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben? He found time-consuming."

"GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing *i dance beautifully for 12 minutes* GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

"Now I know why they call it Whole Foods. It took a whole hour to spend my whole paycheck and they can kiss my whole ass."

"The 2nd grade teacher asked parents to donate supplies for tie dye tshirt day but I'm not sure I can come up with that much weed by Friday."

"Met a beautiful girl down at the park today... Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser..."

"How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce ""unionized""."

"Confused.com adverts They're kinda confusing"