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Joke of the Day

"Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. That's because elephants never forget."

"So two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... BAH DUM TSSH"

"Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, ""Wait a minute. I have that."""

"If I ever murder anyone I'm going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it"

"How do you know someone is a Bernie Sanders supporter? Don't worry, he'll fucking tell you."

"What's the difference between a horny man and a vampire? Vampires don't come inside without permission"

"Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I'm wrong, and I tell her she's right."

"Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight. Me: So you want less Tarantino... H: ...and more Seuss. M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming."

"I can't believe my back is killing me. My spine has some nerve."

"I once thought I had a Japanese friend.... But it was just my imagine Asian."