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Joke of the Day

"SMS from my girl: If ur sleeping, send me ur dreams; if ur laughing, send me ur smile; if ur crying, send me ur tears. Response: Honey I'm shitting, should I send you something?"

"I was going to make a joke about the Rapture, but... it just isn't happening."

"""Dad, what's a sponsored tweet?"" ""A way for Twitter to make money, I guess. Now, pass the Metamucil with 100% Natural Psyllium Fiber."""

"What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip."

"""Baby, I'm gonna make you mine."" - sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner"

"Do you know the difference between 5 minutes of blowjob and 5 minutes of sodomy ? Do you have 10 minutes ?"

"*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work* I love you too, babe! [later] Where's my credit card? Son of a.."

"I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other."

"Can't please Americans For years Americans have complained to the Government that their voices weren't being heard. Now they are freaking the fuck out over the NSA."

"What do Mr. Spock and toilet paper have in common? They both hang around Uranus trying to wipe out Klingons."