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Joke of the Day

"I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol, and I need the alcohol, because I hate my job."

"Scooters are like ... fat girls. They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one."

"Why isn't Spiderman in the Avengers? Because a black widow has no husband."

"So there are the baby boomers, generation x, and millenials. What do we call the next generation? Fucked."

"Every time you have McDonald's as a kid, it's a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it's a defeat."

"The French name for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter translates literally to False Butter Has Entered Our Home"

"Grinch? Scrooge? Why don't you just come out and say 'Jew'."

"I like to observe people in lines. I'm in Wait Watchers."

"How do you know if a guy has an asian wife? He'll tell you."

"When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say... ""Are you ready to take this shit to a whole new level?!"""