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Joke of the Day

"My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don't come over to my house, unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure."

"You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive."

"I found a dog (no joke). If he's yours let me know. Male german shepherd. I am teaching him how to use a gun and drive a motorcycle."

"My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! *Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.*"

"Which book has the worst cliffhanger? Anne Frank's Diary"

"Pro tip: Next time you're at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper ""Hey, wanna get outta here?"" If she says yes, you can sit where she was."

"I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones."

"You've been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower."

"do I wanna smoke? sure I'll smoke. I'll smoke u fools on the court when ur lung capacity is severely compromised. stay in school, be active"

"Jamie Oliver says there's ""nothin worse in the world than an undercooked green bean"" I'll go out on a limb & say he doesn't watch the news."