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Joke of the Day

"My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited."

"What's big and hairy and climbs up the Empire State Building in a dress? Queen Kong."

"Guy: I don't deserve you. Girl: Awwwww...you're so sweet... Guy: I don't mean that in a good way."

"*does coke* *has unprotected sex* *smokes cigarettes* ""oh haha no I don't drink soda because it's bad for you"""

"What do women and werewolves have in common? (Offensive) They both go berserk once every month."

"My friend Jerry and I built a house... It was absolutely floorless. I mean we really nailed it this time. Not like the last one that we screwed up. This time we just did a really wood job."

"Why isn't there a Price is Right porn yet? Nobody's willing to cum on down"

"What do you call a good for nothing vegetable A deadbeet"

"""Is your refrigerator running?"" ""Hasn't decided yet,"" I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A ""FRIDGE 2016"" banner hangs above him"

"Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I'm in the floor hanging on for dear life."