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Joke of the Day

"What's a musician's favourite kitchen utensil? A Chopin' knife!"

"This morning I saw an ad offering 'help' to people contemplating suicide Which confused me, because the industry has banned ads for cigarettes, but apparently they have no qualms with murder."

"COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off* [3 years later] COP *walking his dog*: wait a second..."

"Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies."

"Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike."

"Why did the amoeba flunk the math test? Because it multiplied by dividing."

"Did you hear about the hard working sander company that refuses to give their workers kneepads. Aka Bernie Sanders."

"*puts finger over your lips* Shhhhhhhhhhhhh *feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*"

"Why did the bachelors purchase double amputee strippers for their party? Because they were 50% off!"

"Why don't many Greek men move to other countries? They don't want to leave their brothers behind"