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Joke of the Day

"Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies."

"I opened my water and electric bills simultaneously... Needless to say, I was shocked."

"[first date] HER: I really like you ME: I like you too HER: So did you bring protection? ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony"

"I'm like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese"

"""Call your blonde friend, your black friend & your Asian friend!"" - every cellphone ad ever"

"What is the most popular novel in Mexico? Tequila mocking bird"

"Went to my friend's house for a night of drinking... ...crashed on the couch. I was awoken in the middle of the night by my friend blowing chunks. Chunks is the family dog"

"Don't say ""tits."" It's crass and disrespectful. Instead, say ""lady tits."""

"*Runs across campus to get to class on time* Whew! I made it! *Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*"

"After viewing The Aristocrats, What are Redditors version of this joke. Surely this place can come up with some pretty dirty shit for this one."