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Joke of the Day

"I heard Simon say, ""Turn to the next page."""

"It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage."

"I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me... Like it's my fault they don't have Windows..."

"What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?"

"What makes a joke about ISIS funny? The execution"

"SON: The car's manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way. DAD: Guess you could say- SON: NO DON'T- DAD: -that's sound advice."

"Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?"

"With Michael Phelps, Sarah Palin, and Glenn Beck here in Charlotte this week, my status as smartest guy in the room just rose exponentially."

"I can smell shit, but I can't find it."

"So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?"