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Joke of the Day

"[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there"

"Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes"

"My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day... He brought her out and said, ""meet patty"""

"Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others."

"My girlfriend and I joke about which of us is more competitive. But, I joke about it waaaay more than her."

"Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it...after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course"

"The projected sales figur- *phone buzzes* the proj- *buzzes again* *checks phone* Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I'm being owned online"

"DOG BALLS Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement? A: Sparky."

"Sorry if this is a repost but I'm new here Why are hurricanes named after women's? Because they're wild and wet when they come but when they leave, they take the house and car."

"Her: What do you do? Me: I drill for oil. G: That sounds interesting. M: No, it's really... H: Don't do it, I'll leave M:...just boring"