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Joke of the Day

"Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it...after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course"

"When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land? Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!"

"ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I'm blind as a-- BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what ME: um BAT: as a what ME: BAT: say it"

"Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)"

"All I want in this world is some one I can turn to and yell, ""Avenge Me!!"" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes"

"forever alone Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So now, whenever I open a crate of White Lightning, I always log on to Facebook."

"How do you catch a unique bird? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird? Tame way you caught the unique bird."

"If you legally change your name to 'You're Free to Go' then it's impossible to get arrested."

"My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It's like I'm following HER around. It's ridiculous."

"My friend Gerund is from Ingland."