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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend and I joke about which of us is more competitive. But, I joke about it waaaay more than her."

"Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well Grandma's very deaf so I'm writing very loudly."

"im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i'll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!"

"Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he will eat for a week."

"What did the Vegetarian say when he wanted to eat meat? ""Going vegetarian was a missteak"""

"So there's this guy that does nothing but masturbate and watch Netflix all day... Oh wait... That's me."

"What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream."

"I use Facebook mostly to keep in touch (without leaving the house) with people whom I do not wish the share my cell number with..."

"Yo Mama's so fat she sank the Titanic!"

"What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly someone into a wood chipper."