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Joke of the Day

"At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him what happened, and he just looked at me and said, ""I've lost my faculties!"""

"You wanna know what sucks about being single? Nothing. You gotta use your hands now."

"""I"" before ""e"" except after ""Old MacDonald had a farm"""

"When I'm dead, these tweets will be worth twice as much."

"Once my credit card got stolen and I never reported it. The thief spent less than my wife."

"Q: What do you get when offering a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change."

"Commonwealth Games: Building unrealistic goals and dreams for British athletes going to the olympics since 1930."

"Your mom's had so many trains run on her... ...they call her The Island of Sodor."

"""Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!"" - aaaaaaaaand hospital."

"I paid for my meal at McDonald's with love. [NSFW] I pulled out some money and the cashier was like, ""no, let me see you fuck this Big Mac instead."""