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Joke of the Day

"I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'. They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it."

"When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school."

"Remember the two friends who got the world record for longest staring contest? Yeah? Well turns out they aren't seeing eye to eye anymore."

"Roses are red, violets are yellow, lilacs are cyan, carnations are rainbowish, this LSD pill is lovely."

"My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress...."

"Where will Miley Cyrus go when her showbiz career is over? twerk"

"What do you call an invisible, cross-dressing dad? A transparent"

"Why did the Chili Pepper cross the road? To get to the other side...to get to the other siiiide"

"I once swallowed two strings and they came out tied together. Yeah, I shit you knot!"

"What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother? HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!"