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Joke of the Day

"Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot."

"Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless.."

"Just took $20 out of my friend Martin's wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono."

"I just slept with Pinnochio. No strings."

"I'm not hungry but I'm going to eat these Oreos because they're there. Americans."

"I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches."

"If my wife ends an argument with ""Fine, do what you want!"" I'm pretty sure the words ""If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep"" are implied."

"Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things."

"I had a nightmare that I was the Michelin man I woke up feeling tired from that one."

"What's the difference between a musician and a large cheese pizza? A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four."