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Joke of the Day

"In Australia what doesn't kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks."

"Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It's not like I'm driving a giant metal instrument of death."

"I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter... I got blocked."

"Sometimes I'll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them"

"1- Buy a big padlock. 2- Throw the key into the ocean. 3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes. 4- Attach padlock to earlobe. 5- Run."

"They don't treat the black people right. In our neighborhoods, they don't have banks -- they have check cashing."

"Two Thai girls offered me a threesome. It was like winning the lottery. When we stripped off we had six matching balls."

"What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them.."

"Doctor, Doctor!! I think my wife is dead. What do you mean you ""think"" she's dead, either she is or she isn't. Well, the sex is the same but the dishes in the sink are piling up."

"Policewoman: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Driver: Boobs."