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Joke of the Day

"Kesha got a lip tattoo that says, 'Suck It.' I'd suggest you 'Disinfect It,' 'Fumigate It,' or better yet, 'Avoid It.'"

"Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional."

"You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president... There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!"

"Why did Adele cross the road? So she could say hello from the other side (If this has already been posted I might cry I thought I made this all up on my own haha)"

"In Pakistan, what's the difference between an elementary school and a terrorist training camp? I don't know, I just fly the drone."

"do you guys have PC & cheese? i'm not really a mac guy"

"Cop: FREEZE, DON'T MOVE!!! Me: *stops moving* Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me:... Cop: NOW! Me:... Me:... Cop: for the love of god...unfreeze"

"At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours."

"Why did Helen Keller's dog kill himself? You would too if your name was MMMHHHUUHH"

"What should you do if your walls get cold? Put on another coat."