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Joke of the Day

"Cop: FREEZE, DON'T MOVE!!! Me: *stops moving* Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me:... Cop: NOW! Me:... Me:... Cop: for the love of god...unfreeze"

"What's the opposite of pro? Con. So what's the opposite of progress?"

"Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother."

"People should look like their personalities."

"*Opening presents 1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow! 2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!"

"There are so many gay bars in San Francisco; It's hard to keep them all straight."

"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He can't come anyways."

"""Wow, you look like shit this morning."" ""Really? That's funny because I was totally going for the urination look."""

"My son got thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class jack him off... I said ""Son, That's three schools this year...maybe teaching is not for you"""

"What's the difference? What's the difference between a colorful explosion in the sky and a black person? Fire works."