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Joke of the Day

"I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period... so I had to pull some strings."

"Why is steam such a hipster? Because it was water before it was cool."

"My kids are really competing for least favorite today."

"I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi. You can imagine my disappointment."

"What did the college junior say just before her toe was cut off? NO PLEASE DON'T CUT OFF MY TOE!"

"I don't understand why death row inmates are given their choice of meal before they're executed. ""I have to die tomorrow, but I get TACOS!"""

"The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else."

"""Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I'll be able to control myself... aaaand they're gone."" - Me with Thin Mints, and women."

"I feel like landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children."

"If you think I'm an alcoholic... If you think **I'm** an alcoholic, you should see this guy Jesus he got hammered in my church once."