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Joke of the Day

"The seven dwarves were sitting around... The seven dwarves were sitting around feeling Happy. Happy left, then they were all fucking Grumpy."

"TIL 5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions."

"What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish"

"Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't come in and closed you up? Waiter: They're afraid to eat here."

"Yo momma's so pale... I felt like a snow plow last night."

"My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON.."

"A one-liner based on what happened to me at work. An insect landed in my beverage, now I'm feeling a bit fly-tea."

"I'm forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together."

"The Pill... (Semi-NSFW) It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant."

"No one plans to fail. They just go online. Then check their e-mail. Then go to twitter...and it just happens organically."