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Joke of the Day

"A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work."

"Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam."

"What branch of the military are horses in? The NaaaaayyyVY"

"How can you tell the difference between normal and self-raising flour? One has parents"

"How do you get down off a horse? You don't, you get down off a duck."

"The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite."

"Girlfriends are like screws... Except once you've loosened them, there's no way to tighten them back up."

"Texts son - to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away God he's lazy, took him ten minutes to reply"

"A lot of women at the mall make me feel like I'm tripping on flaccid."

"I went swimming the other day and nearly drowned. 2 families were there to pull me out. The Smith family and the Ball family. Luckily I was pulled out by the Smiths I went swimming the other day..."