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Joke of the Day

"""This is embarrassing, but would you believe we actually met offline?"" - married couples in 5 years"

"As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes."

"I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment."

"BREAKING: Mel Gibson will reprise his role in the sequel to 'What Women Want'. The sequel will be called 'What Stupid Fucking Whores Want'."

"What's the true meaning of a New Years resolution? Something you do for the first week of the new year."

"Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got"

"What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet."

"I made up a good one. Why do so many white people do meth? Nobody likes a cracker without salt. *I'm white*"

"Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today. School Secretary: Who is this? Pupil: This is my father speaking!"

"My dad is a blackjack dealer. He hit me until I was 21."