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Joke of the Day

"If someone holds eye contact with you for longer than 3 seconds, make sure you urinate to establish dominance"

"How do you know when you're turning 40? When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh"

"Dad I have to poo! ""Dad I have to poo!"" No answer. ""Dad I have to poo!"" Still no answer. ""Dad I really have to poo!"" ""OK son, I'm pulling out."""

"""I know what you look like naked"" - me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her."

"Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what's the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?"

"What did terrorist say to my friend Jack? Hi Jack!"

"Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot."

"Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?"

"Our grandchildren in 2060 ""Grandma, why did you look like a dog when you were a teen?"" I really hate that filter."

"Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you? ""Regular coffee with cream please"" That's $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales. ""TEN?"""