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Joke of the Day

"My car is so shitty, one time I fixed it with a coat hanger. Goes to show that those things can BRING life too."

"Why can't Bill Gates get a girlfriend? Because his penis is Microsoft."

"Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason."

"What does a baby look like in a microwave? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate."

"Dr: your father is real sick Woman: [sobbing] how long? [her dad wheelies past on a bmx] Dr: almost six yards that time"

"Me: What sound do dogs make? 3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses? 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs? 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon."

"Went early to my Tantric Sex class last night... Was told to come later."

"I've got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation... so if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves."

"I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery."

"Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my -- Satan: I have a girlfriend."